Dissection Fun
by GuardianCentauri
Summary: This is one of many interesting experiences I've had in my Biology class that I just thought I'd share with everyone. I made it PG13 due to swearing that takes place between certain students.


April 25, 2002  
  
I'm taking Biology 20 as an upgrade course at Chinook College, and we have some of the biggest dumbasses I have ever seen in our class. First off, I usually partner up with Mike who isn't the sharpest tool in the shed, but he's one of the few guys in the class who doesn't act like a retard constantly. Eric takes the cake when it comes to having no common sense and acting like a total moron. I estimate he has an IQ of minus 50, but that's probably a little high. Then there's Diana who has no brain cells whatsoever. As a result, anything she learns can't be stored in her mind. She can't even remember the teacher's name, even though she's been told it about a hundred times. This forces her to yell out "Miss!" in a high pitched shriek constantly. There are about half a dozen other idiots in our Bio class, but I don't care to recall their names.  
  
Anyways, today we were dissecting pig's hearts in order to identify each of the atria and ventricles, several arteries and veins, and the atrioventricular and semilunar valves. I knew from the start the teacher would be accomplishing a miracle if she could get even half the class to learn what a valve is. Here's the chaos that ensued after the teacher said, "Get started". Be aware that swearing is used like a second language in our class. I kept it in to show just what a bunch of idiots some of these people are. I use the term "people" loosely.  
  
Teacher: Okay, get started.  
  
As I'm getting out of my desk, two girls rush by. They seem to think it's a race to see who can carve up the pig's heart the fastest. I shake my head and glance up to see Mike point to me, asking me silently if I'll go with him. I give him the nod, and we head over to get what we'll need.  
  
Mike (while looking at the pile of bagged pig's hearts): This is nasty shit.  
  
Me (putting on rubber gloves): Yeah  
  
Mike (turning to me): So, like, what do we have to do?  
  
Me (picking up the tray, scalpel, scissors, and then the pig's heart): The instructions aren't  
  
very clear, so I thought we'd hack it a couple times and see what happens.  
  
Mike (not laughing and staring at the pig's heart): Oh  
  
Me: I was joking.  
  
Mike (tries to smile a little and then goes back to staring at the pig's heart with a petrified look on  
  
his face): Oh… yeah… heh, heh…  
  
Me: Are you going to dissect, or shall I?  
  
Mike (still staring at the heart): Oh no man. You go right ahead. That's nasty shit.  
  
Me (turning around and walking over to our table): Okay then.  
  
I see Mike slowly following me while keeping both wary eyes on the pig's heart. The poor guy is absolutely terrified. He's acting as if the pig's heart is going to jump up and attack. I place the stuff on the table and move to the other side of the classroom to get an apron. Mike vigilantly stands guard and focuses on the pig's heart with a grim expression. As I put on my apron, I have a chance to overhear how the girls are doing.  
  
Diana: This is disgusting.  
  
Other girl: I know.  
  
Diana: No, I mean this is so fucking disgusting.  
  
Other girl: I know.  
  
Diana (groans): Ugh! And the smell? I could puke – No! I'm gonna puke!  
  
Other girl: I know.  
  
Diana: I'm gonna puke right now! I'm gonna fucking puke all over the classroom!  
  
Other girl: I know.  
  
Diana (turning to where the teacher is): Miss!  
  
Fascinating, huh? I turn back to see how Mike is doing at this point. He's still staring at the pig's heart in what looks like a comatose state. Just then, a friend of his comes up behind him and pats him on the shoulder. Mike jumps and whips his head around. Mike is clearly breathing heavily.  
  
Mike (panicked look): Woah…  
  
Other guy (smiling): Easy there big fella.  
  
Mike: Aw fuck man. You scared me.  
  
Other guy (laughing): Calm down man. Take a breather.  
  
Mike (shaking his head and swallowing): Woah…  
  
While this conversation has taken place, Diana has called out "Miss!" about ten more times. Each time, the teacher looks over and says "I'm coming!". Diana doesn't seem to acknowledge this, though, and keeps calling. I walk back over to Mike.  
  
Me: Hey  
  
Mike (barely noticing me): Hey… okay, so uh… what do we do now?  
  
Me: Well –  
  
Teacher (cuts me off): Everyone wait until I come around to explain what to do!  
  
Me: There ya go.  
  
Mike: Oh… okay…  
  
Me (concerned look on face): You okay? You look a little pale and you're sweating.  
  
Mike (looks up at me with wild eyes): Huh?… Oh… I'm okay. This is just nasty shit.  
  
Fuck man… *wipes his brow*  
  
Me (nodding slightly): Yeah…  
  
I look back to see how the rest of the class is progressing. Despite the teacher's instructions to wait, two pairs of guys have begun cutting up their hearts. One of these four is Eric. He is madly slicing the pig's heart with a scalpel while his partner rigorously stabs it with the scissors. The other two guys are getting to work with about the same amount of enthusiasm. All of the girls are staring at them with looks of disgust.  
  
Diana: Eww! *turns to teacher* Miss!  
  
Another girl: Ugh! *covers mouth*  
  
Eric (with huge grin on face): Wicked man!  
  
Eric's partner (continuing to stab the heart): Yeah!  
  
Eric (cuts a little too hard and liquid sprays at his partner): Whoops  
  
Chorus of girls: Eww!  
  
Eric's partner (while staring at his wetted clothes with arms outstretched): Oh fuck man…  
  
You got it all over me!  
  
Eric (staring at his clothes and then him): Cool!  
  
Eric's partner: Fuck yeah!  
  
The other two guys laugh. I roll my eyes. Mike is staring at them, eyes wide.  
  
Girl: Eww. Eww, eww, eww, eww, eww!  
  
Another girl: That's so gross.  
  
Teacher (turning around from helping another pair of students to see what all the commotion is about): Hey, settle down. I'll be right over. *turns back around*  
  
Diana: Miss!  
  
Teacher (turning back around, a little aggravated): I'll be right there in a minute. *turns  
  
back around*  
  
Diana (more frantically): But Miss!  
  
Teacher (spins around and raises voice slightly): I heard you. I will be there in a  
  
moment. Please be patient. *sighs and turns back around*  
  
Diana turns to her pig's heart, mumbling something.  
  
Teacher (turning around quickly): Excuse me?  
  
Diana (not bothering to turn around): Nothing!  
  
The teacher stares at Diana for a few more seconds before turning back to the students she was helping.  
  
Diana (in a voice she thinks is quiet but actually isn't): Bitch  
  
The teacher clearly hears it but decides to ignore it. The four guys continue to hack up their hearts. I find myself rolling my eyes again.  
  
  
  
* * *  
  
About ten minutes has passed, and the teacher has just finished explaining to Mike and I on what to do. She moves on to Eric and his partner while I begin my incision.  
  
Mike (staring at the heart): Fuck man…  
  
Me (focusing on the work): Mhmm…  
  
Mike (still staring): This is nasty shit.  
  
Me (getting annoyed but still cutting): Yeah, you said that already.  
  
Mike (staring): Yeah… it is though… fuck…  
  
Me (rolling eyes): Uh huh  
  
Mike (looking at me, not the heart for a change): Damn… How can you do that man?  
  
That's some gross shit.  
  
Me (glad he's learning some vocabulary): I don't know. I guess it's just no big deal for  
  
me.  
  
Mike (staring at the heart again): No big deal… aw man! *looks back up at me* You're  
  
going to be a doctor some day 'n' shit!  
  
Me (chuckling a little while finishing the incision): Nuh uh  
  
Mike (finally smiling slightly): Yeah man!  
  
Me (clearing throat and pointing to a section inside the heart with the scalpel): Okay, there's  
  
the right ventricle.  
  
Mike (bowing down slightly to take a look at it): Oh… nasty shit… well, uh, how do you  
  
know that's it?  
  
Me: Looks kinda like the diagram.  
  
Mike (looking back and forth between the diagram in our lab write-up and the pig's heart):  
  
Oh… yeah… Damn, you're smart man. I wouldn'ta noticed that.  
  
Me: Uh yeah…  
  
Mike (looks down into the heart again): Aw damn though… That's really nasty shit.  
  
I roll my eyes just as more yelling erupts behind me. I swing around to see the teacher pointing at Eric's heart.  
  
Teacher: What's this?  
  
Eric's partner: A pig's heart.  
  
Teacher (ignores smart-alec remark): I told you to wait until I came along.  
  
Eric (grinning): Well we wanted to get a head start.  
  
Teacher: You've done it all wrong.  
  
Eric (still grinning): Well, if at first you don't succeed, try, try again. We'll just get  
  
another one.  
  
Teacher (quite serious): No, you only get one chance at this. Pig's hearts cost 65  
  
dollars each. Unless you're going to pay me for another one –  
  
Eric's partner (interrupts, quite amused): 65 bucks? Holy shit, you got ripped!  
  
Teacher (not amused): Please watch your language.  
  
Eric's partner: Shit man…  
  
Teacher (sighs and continues): You're just going to have to do the best you can with  
  
the one you've got.  
  
Eric: 'Kay  
  
Diana: Miss!  
  
Teacher: I'll be there. Hold on.  
  
The teacher moves on to the other pair of guys and stares dumbfoundedly at the damage they've inflicted upon their pig's heart. Eric's partner fingers the teacher behind her back, and Eric snickers.  
  
Teacher (to the other two guys): If you're just going to fool around, you might as well  
  
put that *points to the pig's heart* in the waste container and finish your labs  
  
using the plastic model.  
  
Guy 1 (shrugging and trying to act hardcore): We haven't done anything wrong.  
  
Teacher: Don't waste my time.  
  
Guy 1 (looking annoyed): We're not wasting your time. Maybe you're wasting your  
  
own time.  
  
Teacher: This isn't up for debate.  
  
Guy 2 (looking really annoyed): Fuck this! *walks over to his desk, slams down his binder,  
  
and sits down with a loud thump*  
  
Teacher: You have to clean up the mess you made.  
  
Guy 1 rolls his eyes and leans on the counter. Guy 2 swears under his breath, gets up, kicks his chair away really hard, and slowly walks back with a gigantic scowl on his face.  
  
Teacher (staring at Guy 2): You've got quite an attitude. I suggest you start  
  
behaving more appropriately.  
  
Guy 2: Whatever.  
  
Guy 1 (extreme sarcasm in his voice): You suggest?! Who the fuck are you?! My  
  
mother?!  
  
Teacher (ruffled): Do not talk to me that way and do NOT use that language.  
  
Guy 1: Cool it and don't yell at me.  
  
Guy 2 snickers and gets to work on cleaning up the mess.  
  
Teacher: I'm not yelling.  
  
Guy 1: Yes you were.  
  
Teacher: This isn't an argument.  
  
Guy 1: Fine.  
  
The teacher is about to tell him what to do when there is the distinct sound of something weighing a couple of pounds plopping as it hits the bottom of the garbage can. Everyone, including the teacher, turns around to see Guy 2 holding an empty tray and walking away from the garbage can.  
  
Teacher: Where's the pig's heart?  
  
Guy 2 (sarcastic, as if he did the right thing): In the trash.  
  
Teacher (losing patience fast): It doesn't go in the trash. It goes in the waste  
  
container. Pick it up and put it in the waste container.  
  
Guy 2: Fuck, I'm not picking that shit up again!  
  
Guy 1 (to teacher): What's your problem?  
  
Teacher (turns back to Guy 1): My problem is that I'm trying to efficiently get a lab  
  
done for the educational benefit of other students, and you two are  
  
goofing around.  
  
Guy 1: We're not goofing around.  
  
Guy 2: You never said put it in the waste container!  
  
Teacher (turning back around): I said that both at the start and again only minutes  
  
before. Now pick up the heart and put it in the waste container.  
  
Guy 2: You never said… oh fuck… whatever!  
  
Guy 2 grumbles while picking up the heart out of the trash and strolling over to the waste container.  
  
Guy 1 (picking up scalpel and scissors and walking over to put them back): This is stupid.  
  
Teacher: Wash those off first.  
  
Guy 1 (twirling around): What?! Oh… fuck…  
  
Guy 1 moves over to the sink and starts rinsing the scalpel and the scissors. Guy 2 finishes putting the heart in the waste container and starts washing the tray off in the other sink. The teacher starts moving on to the next pair of students with a sigh when Guy 1 finishes washing the scissors and swings out his arm to throw it onto the counter beside the sink. He hits a beaker which flies off the counter and smashes as it hits the floor. By the way, this isn't the first time this guy has broken some piece of lab equipment made of glass; far from it.  
  
Teacher (not bothering to turn around): Get the broom and sweeper and put the  
  
pieces in the broken glass container. *moves on to next two students*  
  
Guy 1 puts down the scalpel and gets out the broom and sweeper. He proceeds to gather up the glass. Guy 2 puts the tray away, takes off his rubber gloves, and throws them into the garbage (which you're not supposed to do, but the teacher didn't see this). He then walks over to his desk and sits down. Guy 1 finishes with the glass and dumps it into the trash. The teacher's head snaps around at the loud sound.  
  
Guy 1 (seeing the teacher staring at him): What?! What's your problem now?!  
  
Teacher (struggling not to yell): Broken glass goes in the broken glass container. It's  
  
important, because the janitor could cut his fingers.  
  
Guy 1: Fine! Don't yell at me bitch!  
  
Teacher: Leave the class if you're going to act like that.  
  
Guy 1: Fine!  
  
Guy 1 and Guy 2 pack up their stuff and leave, slamming the door behind them. Good riddance.  
  
* * *  
  
The stupidest and by far most disgusting event took place as everyone was finishing up their dissections.  
  
Mike and I are writing the answers to our lab's analysis questions when I spot something out the corner of my eye which confirms my theory that Eric is a devolved form of homo sapiens with absolutely no brains. He is biting into the end part of the pig's heart and is rapidly trying to rip off a piece. In a matter of seconds, he has a large bit of pig's heart in his mouth and starts chewing, much to my disbelief and disgust.  
  
Eric (speaking while chewing): Tastes like chicken!  
  
Mike (staring at Eric): That's some sick shit.  
  
Me (nodding slowly): Yes, yes it is.  
  
Eric (turns to a girl standing nearby and opens his mouth so she can see can see the bits of  
  
heart in it): Mmmm…  
  
Girl (backs into a desk and screams at the top of her lungs): EWWW!  
  
The teacher's head whips up at that point, and she immediately centers her attention on Eric. She's about to say something when she realizes what Eric is chewing. She then places her hand on her forehead and leaves the classroom. Eric grosses out the girls a few more times before spitting out the pieces into the garbage and washes out his mouth.  
  
Diana: Miss!  
  
I wish he'd swallowed and choked to death. Either that or ate the whole pig's heart and been poisoned to death by the preservative chemicals in it. As Mike would say, that's nasty shit.  
  
I conclude that Eric is a retard who's going to fail Biology 20 AGAIN. As I recall, this is his third try. The same goes for most of the class. You're probably not going to want to eat for a while after reading this. 


End file.
